Beautiful!

Today is so beautiful that having to come in to work doesn't even bother me! Ginger and me went out on a early walk and it was warm enough to take off my coat. The rottweiler across the street caused a big hulabaloo of course but that is nothing new. Ginger is getting pretty good about ignoring her anyway. When we got home I re potted some house plants in bigger containers and fed the piggy blue jays. They stand around on the gutters looking at me when I'm on the patio like "Excuse me but where is the grub?" I also got a bit of cleaning done well listening to some good music. :o) I'm just really happy today. The weather has got me thinking about what I'm going to plant this year. I definitely want a big herb garden and some cute flowers good for drying. I would like a fern but they need more shade then the patio can offer. The indoor plants are growing like mad and I'm beginning to think the avocado tree is going to have to find a new spot to live because it is getting so big. Well today is just super and I had to gush about it somewhere. XD

What is it all about?

Like a lot of people I strive to reach important goals in my life like getting a education and finding a good career to support myself. I dream one day of having a  cosy little home with my guy and looking after my parents when the time comes. I think about my own small goals like improving my artistic skills, enjoying a good book and exploring nature. Yet some how none of this has made me feel satisfied. I feel like there is something more out there I'm meant to do and until I do it I will be incomplete. This became very clear to me last week when a unpleasant event occurred at work. The questionable ethics involved in this situation gnawed away at me and I came so very close to saying something. It has been on my mind ever since it happened last Wednesday. I realise I'm not the simple girl I always thought myself to be. Working hard and getting along is no longer enough for me. The ethics of others is something I always felt God alone should judge but to be at a place where I do not agree with the things happening is consuming me with guilt. I do nothing because I know there is so little I can do and that I will end up in a very bad situation. Moreover this has forced me to see what I really care about and I find it frightening. I say it is frightening because I have come to understand something important about myself and I don't know how to deal with it appropriately. Getting by in life, caring for me and my family isn't enough. There is so much more to care about then my own small life in this world and I want to be more and do more for the people around me. I can't pretend to be naive and act like taking care of my own needs is good enough. I feel like God wants me to serve him by caring for others but I don't know how or where. I avoided these little feelings before because I was afraid but I know there is more for me to do in life. I'm not sure when my answer will come but I feel sure everything will be very clear to me soon.

Meditating the way to go

Having full time school and work has made me very stressed for the first time in my life. Sure there has been the occasional upsetting events but this is the sort of constant stress that I have never dealt with before. I'm usually laid back and take things slow. Being unable to stroll along is posing a problem to my sanity. Work dumps on me about small and if I may say so pointless things which would normally not bother me to much but now that I have no time to relax at home it irritates me. I'm not saying I am going to go off in a rage over toilet paper placement and dump mop water on the floor cursing as I go though at times it does sound tempting. School really is not so bad except the homework. Despite having fewer but longer classes I am ending up with more homework. It's awesome I'm done with math but now I'm weighed down with never ending essays and movie response papers. Writing papers is up there with math and I get at least 2 or 3 a week plus giant projects which are just giant essays. I'm not incapable of writing papers, I just find them difficult and boring so I sit at home forcing myself to do them which has led me to put them off to the last minute. All this has made me feel stressed. I certainly feel that I have a blessed life with many good things in it so I'm not saying I have a bad life more like I just feel overwhelmed and question if I should have done so much at once. There are times I feel like I can't deal with it and the first thought that comes to mind is to meditate. I never really meditated to much before probably because I did not need it like I do now. It has ended up being very easy for me to do thankfully. I focus my mind on a white lotus flower sitting in the middle of a still pond in a beautiful garden. The sun is slowly rising just hitting the lotus making the semi translucent  petals seem to glow. This goes on for some time until I'm completely unaware that it is even happening my mind is so focused. By the time I'm done I feel so calm and able. It's been really great for me during this unlikely time in my life. I think it will definitely continue to be a large part of my life in the future.